the journalist:

I’m going to start with the good. The good part is actually cute, super cute in my book. It was just a regular LA night and I had a good old fashioned tinder date lined up at the taco joint nearby. I figured it was close to me, close to him, and worst case I could have a few margaritas and bail. He was late and I was early, and I am never ever early. With that said, I didn’t want to bail once he decided to show up. We knew each other from back in the day past and exes/roommates ago. He remembered me from back then and replayed the night we met back in New York. After a story like that, I was completely crushing. We went back to his hotel, had a few more drinks at the bar, and I woke up in that hotel. No, I’m not sharing everything but the room had an excellent view. The next day we went to Malibu and hiked a potential Hitler hub and watched the sunset over the entire span of Los Angeles. He is the smartest guy I have ever been on a date with. He knows words and facts about so many book things and historic things. He knows all those things I don’t. How to use proper grammar, where the biggest pyramid is in the world, the best place to have coffee with a view in Paris. He was the most handsome brainiac that I never saw coming. Somehow, this ice skater turned fashion globetrotter must have sparked his interest too. We connected for sure and I made sure we texted everyday. For someone who writes for a living he is the absolute, by far, worst texter I have ever texted. We both spoke about how impossible long distance relationships were from that very first date. I totally agreed that it did not work for myself either, but I’m a hopeless romantic and I was a Disney prince let’s not forget that. From the Czech Republic to Vancouver, it didn’t matter we messaged everyday. Two people who are always on the road and that didn’t have to be called long distance anything. It was just distance and he was just a friend, a special friend. I went to New York, and he came. I live in LA, he came for a week. After summer we didn’t have another date selected and we went went off as we do. He went to Paris and social media woke me up instead of a text from him. It had been a few days of zero connection and I had that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was right. And just to say it again, you are right if you feel it too. A mutual instagram friend posted a photo and it had all those feelings I had written all over it. That kid was having my date but in another city. He was hearing all those smart things. He was swooning over his beautiful smart curls and glasses. A picture really does say a thousand words and I heard them all. My heart sunk. I got out of bed and turned on the shower and was short of breath and felt this jealous anger start to boil. I couldn’t hold it back, I had to say something. I said things, I laid it out and I was right and wrong on lots of levels. I think about it often and I know there would have been several ways to do it. I could have turned a blind eye to the whole thing because we never said we were exclusive. I could have just called him and asked directly but I didn’t decide to go about either of those ways, I tackled it from both sides and it was terrible. Immensely super very what-the-hell-did-you-do the worst. We said no long distance, yes. We just texted and had zero label. We both travel all the time and meet lots of people, yes. But it was more than just a little casual friendship. He never goes on second dates, he made that clear when we sat outside in our dirty running clothes on our second date. We made it a point to talk daily and visit each other. It’s not crazy to start having some sort of relationship type of feeling with someone like that. I had that, and he did too. He also wants something beautiful near by and not something he has to have any ownership over. It’s the tall tale sign of someone who is clearly not ready for a relationship. Someone who is still dealing with their past situation. He’s brilliant in so many ways, but he doesn’t get a pass on making boys feel good and recycle them when things get a little too real. Instagram will not last forever and you won’t be twenty something forever. Screw all of that, nothing lasts forever so enjoy the now and be good. Be honest and try to be loving. I went on date number one because I was looking for love. I was looking for a new guy who I didn’t know and to see if the chemistry worked to make me want to see him again. And again and again and again. I use social media for meeting guys like that. Maybe I use it to find a husband so I can build a little family one day. He uses it to find a vulnerable boy to sightsee with…to sleep with…and ultimately to forget.